The Post-Apocalyptia Survival Guide
Just in time for the looming nuclear apocalypse, Bethesda Studios has delivered a survival training course for our inevitable future, in the guise of Fallout 3. To maximize your chances of survival in the horrific future that is almost upon you, I urge you to play this game immediately. But for those of you who cannot, please take the time to review the following vital lessons you WOULD have learned if you had valued your own life enough to play Fallout 3. Don’t say I never tried to save your life…
1. Might Makes Right
The local ruffians you will encounter outside of tomorrow’s towns may act tough, but you can show ‘em who’s boss by one-upping them at their own game. When the goons whip out their rusty brass knuckles and splintered police batons, simply counter with your sawed off shotgun, .44 magnum, 10mm submachine gun, alien plasma rifle, flamethrower, and cluster-firing nuclear missile launcher. Any weapon known to the townsfolk as a “Man Opener” will also suffice, in a pinch.
2. Remember that Abraham Lincoln was a Badass
Honest Abe will probably not be reanimated during the nuclear holocaust, but this doesn’t mean that his bloodthirsty spirit can’t live on through you. If you manage to locate any museums dedicated to Abe during your wasteland travels, be sure to search the displays inside for some of his old weapons. His repeating rifle was the scourge of Stephen Douglas, who once wrote that “the dread firearm wouldst surely explodeth the head of any Super Mutant in one volley.”
3. Don’t Drink From the Toilet
Of course the urinal water in the subway bathrooms will LOOK delicious, but don’t be fooled: it is almost certain to be critically contaminated with harmful radiation. This same rule of thumb holds true for any mouth-watering urinal cakes that may have survived the apocalypse as well. If you are simply unable to resist the temptation to partake, be sure to check the floor in the toilet stalls for any partially vaporized junkie skeletons that may still be clutching useful anti-radiation pills. Remember: one pill cancels out one tantalizingly irradiated urinal cake!
4. Save those Bottlecaps!
In the event of nuclear holocaust, society will revert to an economy built entirely around the intrinsic and timeless value of shiny objects. Bottlecaps are sure to be the currency of choice, but you would be wise to diversify your portfolio by hoarding any beads, shells, and bits of quartz you may find. Precious metals will have no value, unless you have the engineering credentials to construct some sort of deadly shoulder-mounted debris launcher. In this event, the metals could serve as makeshift ammunition, and therefore be upgraded to the value of a teddy bear, or even a severed limb.
5. Learn a Valuable Skill
You COULD spend your free time learning how to be extra sneaky or a savvy barterer, but before you do, consider the limited value that these skills will return in a post-Armageddon wasteland. Anything you desire can be better gained through more marketable talents, such as lockpicking or computer hacking. Would you rather be the chatterbox trying desperately to negotiate a slight discount with the town merchant, or the guy who’s already behind the counter, opening the safe? Bonus: if the safe contains a gun, you can use it to shoot the other customers who are wasting their time negotiating, then loot their corpses and sell what you find to the shopkeeper yourself! Who’s the savvy one now?
There you have it. Simply remember these five survival tips, and you will drastically increase your odds of survival in post-apocalyptia. Oh, and one last thing: if you’re not a fan of the vocal group The Ink Spots, you may want to bring ear plugs.